Образ типичного американца в анекдотах и скетчах

She calls her father and yells, «You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don. t do a single thing, do you hear me?» The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, «It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they. re paying their own way!»

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, «What's wrong?» The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, «I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’sa natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend.» The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, «But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?» The old man looks at the bartender and says, «I can’t remember where I live!»

F armer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. I n court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. «D idn’t you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,» ' asked the lawyer.

F armer Joe responded, «Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…» «I didn’t ask for any details,» the lawyer interrupted, «just answer the question.» Farmer Joe said, «Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as driving down the road…» The lawyer interrupted again and said, «Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. N ow several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I

believe he is a fraud. P lease tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, «I'd like to hear what he has to say.» Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, «Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. H owever, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

S hortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. A fter he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. T hen the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, «Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?»

I n a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. T hese boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight.

O ne time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble’s ice-cream fell. T rouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. S hut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry.

A police officer pulled up and asked, .What's your name?. .S hut-up. T he officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply.

F inally, he asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, .Boy, are you looking for Trouble?. And Shut-up said, .Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, «When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light from the fireplace.» And the son’s reply, «Dad, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.»

I t was an amazing coincidence that all three of the daughters in the Potato family came home on the same day to announce that they were going to get married. F ather was surprised and figured that he had just better sit down with each girl in order to make sure that they had selected a proper mate. C alling on his eldest daughter first, they retired to Dad’s den.

" S o, daughter, tell me about this special guy in your life," said Dad «Oh, Daddy,» gushed his daughter, «I'm so happy! J immy Mashedpotato has asked me to marry him and I said yes.» «Well, that’s wonderful,» said Father. «J immy is a wonderful boy and the Mashedpotato family is very respected in our community.

Y ou have my blessings." Calling in his second daughter, Mr. P otato repeated the question he had posed to the eldest. «O h, Pop,» gushed daughter number two, «Eddie Sweetpotato asked me to marry him today and I’m so happy!» «Well,» replied her father, «that's wonderful. E ddie is a nice young man and the Sweetptotato family is very influential.

Y ou have my blessings." Calling in his youngest, Pop Potato was feeling good about the choices his other two daughters had made, and so without hesitation, he once again asked about the young man in her life. «O h, Dad,» gushed daughter number three. «I&# 39;m just so excited. D an Rather has asked me to marry him and I said yes.» «Dan Rather?» exploded her father.

" D an Rather? You can’t marry Rather… he's just a commentator!"

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. «Just to establish some parameters,» said the professor to the student from Arkansas, «What is the opposite of joy?» «Sadness,» said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. «Elation,» said she. «And you sir,» he said to the young man from Texas, «how about the opposite of woe?» The Texan replied, «Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.»

T he beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank’s most important clients. A fter a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. T he proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank’s business relationship.

S o she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. T he king readily agreed. T he secretary named her first condition. S he would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

T he king thought for a while and said finally, «No problem! I have, I have». O ne down, the lady thought up something more complex.

" M y second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France." The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, «OK, I build, I build». R ealising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard.

F inally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet. S urely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. «W

ell," she said, «You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis.» The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, «OK, OK, I cut, I cut» .

T he police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. R eturning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. S he telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. T

he police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. A s the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, «I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!»

T he soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn’t had showers or been able to change their clothes. T hen one day the general came along and said, «Men, I have some good news and some bad news.

W hich would you like first?" All the men shouted, «Tell us the good news, tell us the good news.» The general smiled and said, «Men, the good news is that today we’re going to change our underwear.» All the men cheered. T hen the general said, «Now the bad news. S mith, you change with Jones. J

ackson, you change with Thomson … «

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, «Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $ 500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?» The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, «First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?» Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, «Um… No.» «Or,» the lawyer continued, «that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?» The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, «Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,» the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, «leaving her penniless with three children?» The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, «I had no idea…» On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, «So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

T his is a joke about the difference between the American English and the Australian English. A ustralians tend to pronounce words, ending onday like [-dai].

. so… O ne Australian was speeding along the highway in America when the policeman stopped him. — S ir, have you come here to die? ;

asked the policeman. — N o sir, yesterday! — answered the Australian.

T hree sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. G etting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. T

he first said, «I built a big house for our mother.» The second said, «I sent her a Mercedes.» The third smiled and said, «I've got you both beat. Y ou remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? A nd you know she can’t see very well. S o I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. I

t took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. H e’s one of a kind. M om just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: «Milton,» she wrote one son, «The house you built is too huge.

I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!" «Gerald,» she wrote to another, «I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.» «Dearest Donald,» she wrote to her third son, «You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!»

While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show. After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, «How did you do that?» The magician replied, «I could tell you, madam, but if I did then I would have to kill you.» The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, «Okay, then tell my husband how you did it.»

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

" America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. «She's not from the States.»

" Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. «Is he your husband?» «Yes.» she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered… «I'll give you 100 camels for her.» The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, «she's not for sale.»

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, «I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.»

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, «I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.» The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, «Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.»

She replied, «I'm married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, «Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.»

She said, «You tell him. He is the one shaving you.»

A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away. 'I know why you are chasing after me… you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says. The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.

A donor in Florida greeted me at the door in her underwear. She explained she had been shopping and was hot. She went on to explain that she was 80 years old, swam every day and asked me if I thought she was in great shape. I agreed. We continued our visit and I learned she had included a bequest to my organization in her will.

On one of his television shows Bob Hope declared, «The hotel room where I am staying is so small that the rats are round-shouldered.» Later he heard that the hotel was going to sue for damages unless he retracted. So on another show he retracted, «I'm sorry I said that the rats in that hotel were round-shouldered. They are not.»

H enry Ford hired an efficiency expert to go through his plant. H e said, «Find the nonproductive people. T ell me who they are, and I will fire them!» The expert made the rounds with his clipboard in hand and finally returned to Henry Ford’s office with his report. «I&#

39;ve found a problem with one of your administrators," he said. «E very time I walked by, he was sitting with his feet propped up on the desk. T he man never does a thing. I definitely think you should consider getting rid of him!» When Henry Ford learned the name of the man the expert was referring to, Ford shook his head and said, «I can’t fire him. I pay that man to do nothing but think — and that’s what he’s doing.»

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. A pproaching the friend, he comments, «You look terrible. W hat’s the problem?» «My mother died in June,» he said, «and left me $ 10,000.» «Man, that’s tough,» he replied. «T

hen in July," the friend continued, «my father died, leaving me $ 50,000.» «Wow. T wo parents gone in two months. N o wonder you’re depressed.» «And last month my aunt died, and left me $ 15,000.» «Three close family members lost in three months? T hat’s horrible!» «Then this month…» continued the friend, «Nothing.

Not a single dime!"

T here was an American man that had an meeting in France. H e met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. W

hile they were where having sex, she was yelling, «TROU FAUX, TROU FAUX.» He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise. T he next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. O

ne of them made a hole in one. He yelled, «TROU FAUX, TROU FAUX !» They looked at him and said, «what do you mean wrong hole?»

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. S he says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $ 5,000. T he bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that’s parked on the street in front of the bank. E verything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

A n employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $ 5,000 and the interest, which comes to $ 15.

41. The loan officer approaches her and says: «We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we’re a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $ 5,000?» «Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?»

I n a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. T hese boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. O

ne time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble’s ice-cream fell. T rouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. S

hut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry. A police officer pulled up and asked, «What's your name?» «Shut-up.» The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally, he asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, «Boy, are you looking for Trouble?» And Shut-up said, «Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!»

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

" I’m gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

" I’m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

" I’m going back to the lab," says the third. «I'm dying for a cigarette.»

T he Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. O ne day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

T he reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. H e walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

" M rs. F itzgerald," the reverend said sternly. «T his is no place for a member of my congregation. W

hy don’t you let me take you home?" «Sure,» she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. W hen Mrs. F

itzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. T he reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. W hen he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. A fter rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs.

F itzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, «Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.» The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, «But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.» The bartender nodded, «Well if you’re that far into the game, you may as well finish!»

A man died and went to heaven. A s he stood in front of St. P eter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. T

he man asked, «What are all those clocks?» St. P eter answered, «Those are Lie-Clocks. E veryone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. E

very time you lie the hands on your clock will move." «Oh,» said the man, «Whose clock is that?» «That's Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.» «Incredible,» said the man. «A nd whose clock is that one?» St. P

eter responded, «That's Abraham Lincoln’s clock. T he hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.» «Where's Bush’s clock?» asked the man. «B ush’s clock is in Jesus' office.

He’s using it as a ceiling fan."

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

" You have so much to live for," said the sailor. «Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.»

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

" What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

" I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. «He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me.»

" He certainly is," replied the captain. «This is the Staten Island Ferry» .

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium — he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, «Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?» The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, «This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?» The man replies, «Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.»

" Well, that’s really sad," says Bob, «but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?»

" No," the man replies, «they're all at the funeral.»

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, «I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).»

The young jogger says, «Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?»

The old man says, «I can’t remember where I live.»

A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar.

T he Farmer mumbles, «Some things I just can’t explain.» The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, «What do you mean Jim?». «Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. S o I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I

tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can’t explain," Jim said. «J im, What do you mean by that,» the Bartender asks. «W ell, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg. S o I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can’t explain,» Jim added. «J

im, tell me what it is you can’t explain and I’ll see if I can help," the Bartender said. «W ell, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I’ll be darned if she didn’t knock the pail over with her tail. S ince I didn’t have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. T hen I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above.

A bout that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That’s what I can’t explain."

A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

" Don’t move! You’re a statue!"

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, «Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!»

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, «I'm not a John Kerry fan.»

The teacher says, «Why aren’t you a John Kerry fan?»

Johnny says, «I'm a George Bush fan.»

The teacher asks why he’s a George Bush fan.

The boy says, «Well, my mom’s a George Bush fan and my dad’s a George Bush fan, so I’m a George Bush fan!»

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, «What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?»

Johnny says, «That would make me a John Kerry fan.»

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, «Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.»

Then the German doctor bragged, «That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.»

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, «You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work.»

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn’t find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

" Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

" I’m sorry," the American replied, «but I really gotta take a leak.»

" You can’t do that here," the officer told him. «Look, follow me.»

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. «Here,» said the policeman, «whiz away.»

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. «Ahhh,» he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, «This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?»

" No," replied the policeman. «It's the French Embassy.»

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, «Honey, can I have a quickie?»

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women’s rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, «George, its pronounced 'quiche'.»

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won’t touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. «I NEED FOOD!» he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

" NO!" Joe retorts. «We promised.»

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

" Just for that, I’m not going."

The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.

The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, «Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.»

Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, «Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?»

By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

" Well," says the Captain, «First, I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge tits. I’m gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I’m gonna make love to her all night long.»

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She’s so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes, flat on her face.

The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, «No need to run, dear. He said he’s gotta take a shit first!»

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, «Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?» The mother replies, «Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand» .

" OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, «Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?»

" They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers.

" Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, «Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??»

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, «They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.»

" That’s great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but… Mom?"

" Yes son?"

" Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. H e bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. A s it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. T

he neighbor came for a visit one day and said, «Chicken farming isn’t easy. T ell you what. T o help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.» The new chicken farmer was thrilled. T wo weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. T

he new farmer said, «Not too well. A ll 100 chickens died.» The neighbor said, «Oh, I can’t believe that. I' ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I'

ll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, «You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.» Astounded, the neighbor asked, «What went wrong?» The new farmer said, «Well, I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or too close together.»

A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. «Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!»

" I don’t know," George says, «what has your kid done?»